I forgot how it felt to be invisible... I really forgot how painful it was to no one to notice you were there... I should really start getting used to this, I'll get this a lot from now on... I should get used to being no color, 'cause being there or not it's the same.... no one cares. I really forgot this feeling and it hurts. I'm hurt. I want to cry and I want to run from all of you... I just want to be happy and be loved, why can't I have that?

There's a war happening
right here, right now, inside of me
I'm fighting with all my strength
but it seems that I'm losing to my evil side.

Emotionless, this dark side arises
A smirk on my lips, evil eyes looking to everywhere
I do not care the thoughts of those who look at me
I just want everyone to suffer like I suffer.

Hate is my strongest feeling, that's all I feel. 
The little & innocent girl is gone, I killed her.
Now there's only me, this broken me and
all I want to see is pain and death.

I have a urge to laugh like crazy, to break you all
just like you did to me. This is all your fault, 
I want everyone to die. I want to see blood everywhere.
My stained self is coming out of my heart, through the pain that I feel.

I find funny how you never noticed the look in my eyes,
how I looked to you all, talking about your problems and not listening to mine
You don't know how that annoys me, you dont know how I want to have some attention as well.
you don't know how I feel, you don't know nothing about my pain.

All I wanted was some love, cause I never really felt it
I couldn't ask for it, I was ashamed to ask for it...
I'm a little disappointed that no one noticed what I really needed... 
No one looks to me the way I need. No one cares. No one wants to feel the weight of my pain.

No one know how much I want to die, how much I want to fall to the darkness
and succumb to the evilness of the world. I'm losing my suicidal self, turning it to psycho
All these feelings, no one knows them and no one wants to know them.
I won't show them, I won't. Break these walls of mine, try to find what I really fall. 
I DARE YOU. I FUCKING DARE YOU. GO AHEAD AND BREAK THEM. You can't.
You can't. You can't. You can't. 'Cause I won't let them break. And if they break, I'll die for sure.
'Cause I don't want to see the look in your faces when you discover all of these shameful thoughts...
all of these hateful feelings. I don't want you to see the worst of me. ALL I WANT IS SOME LOVE.
But it seems that I can't have it, cannot have it. not destined to be loved, not destined to feel sweet love,
I cannot feel the warm feeling of a lovers hug, of a true love kiss... but I want to feel it. I want to feel it.
I want to be loved, why can't I be loved? WHY? WHY? WHY? I want to know!!! WHAT DID I DO? 
What have I done wrong to not deserve love.... why... why.... why... just let me die already.

Skaene

Sorry if I'm fat and you don't like me. No, I'm not that sorry after all. I'm used to it, to people don't like me for the body that I have... It's sad, but it's how the society works... you don't like it, it's okay, i don't like it as well. And you know what? I tried to be skinnier, but it didn't work, I couldn't stay like that... I like food too much to make sacrifices to look skinny and thin... I used to like my body like it was, a little 'big', I felt kind of confortable with it. Now I really feel bad about it... If I'm not a size 36 or 38 (Europe sizes!), then I'm not good... If I wear a size 40 or 42, it's like the end of the world.... It really makes me sad that some people look at the body (which is not that big, by the way!!) and start to treat them differently... I really hate that... I don't hate that people judge my body (go ahead, say that i'm fat, i dont care.. i know i am fat!), but when someone starts talking differently with me.... I just hate it so much... It's almost as if my personality and the person that I am changed because I have not the perfect body.... aff... i wish i could be skinnier, yea, i do. But I don't have it, so, just fuck it and fuck you. Don't like it, say it and just go away and see if I care.

My mom hates me. She hates me because I'm not the typical girl that she wanted as a daughter. I'm different and she don't like and cannot accept it. She wanted me to be a skinny girl, with great grades, that wasn't every time on the computer, that didn't like anime and Japanese stuff. She wanted me to go out at night with other girls and drink until I fall and make out with guys. She hates that I'm not like what she wanted and she cannot accept me for who I am. And I suffer a lot because if that. I wish my mom would just accept who I am...

...So kill us (me) now.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I died... If I decided to put an end to my pitiful self, to end this pain that I feel. What would my family and friends feel and think? What would they do if they could knew what I was trying to do... What they would do to me if they knew what my thoughts are... Only a few know what really remains deep in my heart, deep in my soul, deep in me. And not many understand what everything means and what makes me feel like this. Actually, I know what would be the face of some of my 'friends' if suddenly I died... some would be really sad, and when I say sad, I really mean it, like.. sad sad, wanting to go back on time and stop me. Others would be just 'she didn't seem like the kind of person to do this kind of thing.' or 'what was going on with her? Why she didn't talk with us?'... This kind of people really annoys me... because they are really selfish and what really matters are themselves and f*ck the rest. Some people always think 'if they need, they will come talk with me'... well, it's not like that. It's not like that at all. I won't talk easily about my death wishes and about my dark self. I can't. I don't like to expose it to other people who probably wouldn't understand what I really feel and what I go through. Call me drama queen or tell me that I'm thinking too much about this, but I do suffer and I do have a dark self and I sure have death wishes. No one, and I repeat, NO ONE knows how many times, through my entire life, I thought: 'it's better if i'm dead' or 'maybe if I die, everyone will be happy' or even 'i just want peace and silence, so I'll kill myself'... No one knows this feeling. There's so few people that are my friends that really know what I've gone through and some probably talk about me in my back saying how I'm just being the victim or how I want attention. Well, it's not like that. not like that at all. Only I know my pain, only I know what it feels like to not be capable of crying anymore, what it feels to be alone with lots of people around, or how I get annoyed by some voices and how I just want them to disappear... Some people out there may feel something similiar to what I feel, but it's not the same... It is not the same, not now, not in the past and not in the future... my own feelings are mine. And sometimes I really feel that it was better if I wasn't here, 'cause I do feel like a burden. Like a parasite. Something unwanted in my own family. I do feel that. Most of the times, to tell the truth... When I'm alone, it's when my world just starts to fall and I fall with it, I just go. I don't try to stop... I just go with it, letting them take my soul to the darkness. I don't really care anymore, or so I tell myself that, I do try to believe that sometimes.. But other times... I just want to eat the entire box of pills or go running to the raged sea and just die. But I'm still here. I'm still fighting, somehow. I'm not entirely alone, not yet. and there's still some people who really cares about me and that I don't want to make them sad. I still want to find love and visit the world. I still have things to do, stories to read and movies to see. There's out there something that's still waiting for me, I want to believe that, even though it doesn't work a lot. Most of the times, while I'm being pulled down, I just think that it's not the time for me to go yet. I still have people to meet. Things to do. I still have to prove my parents that I'm not the useless child that they think that I'm. I have lots of things to do. And I really need to fight this feelings of mine, even though sometimes they are stronger. I need to get stronger. I need to became more that my dark self. I still need peace and silence, but not in the afterlife. I need it in this life, while my heart is still beating. There's so much to do. I need to stop myself. I need to sleep a little and reset my own feelings. I need to close my eyes, rest my head and mind, so that when I open them again, I will be ready for another hard fight with myself and my own feelings.

Skaene