Letter to someone I know!

Dear friend,
I miss being with you. I miss kissing you on the lips, like we did last month. I miss our strange but funny talks. I must tell you that I love talking with you and that have a huge hole in my heart for knowing that I cannot help you in any way. It breaks my heart knowing that, but still, I'm here and I will always be. I don't want to leave you, so I'll be here, in the shadows!
I need to tell you too, that I just love this tumblr moment we had today. I was so happy with it, and I hope that there's a second and third and another and another moment like this!! I wish I could be with you on the 31th, but I can't and I'm sad about it. Really sad. I'll still send you a text because I know that it will be kind of pointless to call. I'll wish that you stay in my life this year! And this thing that I'm going to say next, is one thing that I shouldn't have done, but it happened and I can't do a thing about it but stay quiet. I fell for you. But I won't tell you. This letter will stay here and you'll never read it, it's better this way. I want to cherish what we have and don't screw it just because I have some feelings. I prefer to stay friend with you than not having your friendship.
Lastly, I really like you, even thought some times I got pissed with you. I still like you, with every flaw that you have!! Those flaws make who you are, so I've learned to like them too.
Thank you for being here with me! <3
Yours,
Skaene

Once upon a time,
I loved you with all my heart
And I thought you loved me back
But you didn't.

Years have passed and here we are,
not talking with each other. Hating each other.
Times get confusing and I remember our moments
Blurs in my mind, a long past that's almost forgotten.
Things have changed so much and There's nothing we can do.

I still wonder why you ignored my love,
why you made love to me but did not gave me your heart.
what were you afraid of? Why do I think of this, I wonder...

I know, you didn't deserve me. I know that now.
My younger self, that loved you so much, was such a dreamy self
and you ruined it. you tainted it. you killed it.

-Skaene

I feel as if my dreams are being crushed
and all I can do is watch. I'm losing my will.
I try not to get desperate while I see it crumbles
but it's getting hard. I don't know where to turn to.
My family is not supportive and their threats... they will kill me.
Oh, how I wanted to feel safe. How I wanted to feel loved. How I wanted to feel recognised.
Seems it's too much to ask, too much to beg. 'Cause I know, they won't give me what I want.

Lately, I feel so sad. So alone, so lost. With nowhere to run to, no safe house where I can sleep.
My thoughts always end up with me on the edge of a cliff thinking that it's the end, finally.
And, deep inside my heart, all I can think is how sad it'll be that no one knows my true feelings.
All they can say is that I'm not to be trusted, unfaithful, bad daughter, bad friend.
No one to make me feel safe, I really want to have one of those.
I used to be so interested in love, but even in that, I've lost my hope.
It gets harder and harder. I want to succeed, and I want them to feel proud of me.
I work my ass out, but they're never EVER happy. There's always something in the way.
Oh, how I want to run away, far far away. Deep inside my heart, I know. It's that or die.
Dying at 21 sounds so.... tragic.
I just need a guy to die with me and it'll be Romeo & Juliet, minus the love.

And the sad thing is... if I die, all of my poems, all of my feelings will stay here,
far away from those who need to read it, of those who need to relate with someone.
I know, I'm not the only one feeling this way. There's more people like me.
More people that are sad and in distress due to their family, to their pressure.
My life... I'll die in vain. Feeling that there's so much to see, to read, so many people to know...
but no time, no ways of doing it. 'Cause my parents like to control my life.
And I really wonder what would happen if I just ran away, to somewhere so far far away...
If they would be sad or relieved. Thinking their stupid daughter FINALLY got out of their way
How sad, to be thinking this of someone who gives me money to study.
but money is not important, money is nothing, zero. What I really need is love and love is what I don't have.

It's been too long. And everything has changed.
I lost it all and gained new things, new friends.
Am I better now? I don't know. Maybe yes, maybe not.
Everything's still changing and I'm not ready to decide yet.

I've been lost in this world of fantasy
Expecting the best, but getting the worst.
Humans are not nice, they are evil, so evil.
I need to be worse than them. I need to make them suffer.

I'm criticised with evert step I take.
Can't escape it, can't run from it.
In my veins, the dark blood runs,
and I'm wishing it wasn't.

I have a death wish, and oh! It got so much worse.
no feelings left in this box called heart.
Waiting for the end, waiting for peace to come.
waiting for the man in black gown to come get me...

-Skaene

i'm so tired. So so so tired of everything. I don't want to go out of bed. I'm afraid of what's coming this month to my life, with the new university and a new city. I'm so scared. Everyone keeps telling that I'll be fine, that everything will work out well, but they don't know how I am right now. I'm almost falling into darkness, I think I never felt like this. If I had to compare, I would say that I don't have a safety nest between me and the floor, and if I fall, I'll die. I'm so so scared. I want this month to end quickly.

No one really cares about you and your doings.

-Skaene.

I'm invisible and colorless. This is what I really feel.

No one notices that I'm falling. They have their backs to me.  Their eyes are not focussed on me, and I didn't want them to. But... Why do I feel like this? I want attention. I want them to ask me what's wrong, you're not alone, tell us what's going on... But there's not even one word from them. And even though I'm falling into darkness, no one notices it. I'm losing myself and I don't really care anymore and they don't notice. They don't care. They have their own problems, fuck mine. I forgot how it was to be all alone.

I'm breaking down again. I'm losing myself.

Today, I felt I was empty, nothing inside me... 

I don't want to talk with anyone. All I wanted was to stay in bed.

But I couldn't do it.... 

They didn't let me do it. 

I don't like this. I want to end this...

I really wish I could just do it.

End it. Crush it. Smash it. Destroy it. 

But I can't. I have no strength in me.

I'm hopeless...

Sometimes (most of the times), I wish I was dead.

Just like that... Dead. No breathing. Not living...

I have this wish for seven years.

I'm still here.... Don't know what for.

The pain accumulates and I continue going.

I wonder why I haven't give up yet... 

I want to know. Someone tell me.

Please. Please. Please. Please.

There's no answer.

Like always.

I cry.

S.

I'm not strong... I'm not. I'm really weak and I grab myself to people 'cause I don't want to be left alone or 'cause I don't wanna fall into darkness. But the thing is... i always fall into darkness, I always end up alone. And it really hurts and I really want to die, but I'm still here. Does that make me strong? I just think that makes me a survivor, nothing more. I don't really live... I survive. And it's so painful. I live one day at a time and I try not to succumb to my darkest thoughts of death. I want to live, but I'm so tired of everything. I know there's lot of things that I should do, but I don't do it. I don't have the will to do it. I'm really tired of living and that's what makes me think that maybe it wasn't such a bad idea to just swallow every pill in my house. My friends will miss me, I know that, but I'll just fall into a sad memory. They will live on, without me. Live does not wait for those who give up, and that's what I try to do sometimes. I wish everything was easier, that I hadn't born in this town, in this family, in this country... But I didn't.  And I need to survive until the day I start living or the day I just give up everything.

Skaene

I feel like I'm nothing... I need to be saved, but no one can save me...
I should be the one to save myself, but I have no strength...
my friends are here, but I don't feel them all the time..
on those days that I need the most is when I'm lonely and alone.

The boy that I like doesn't like me back.
It hurts. It seems that I can never be loved back.
I don't want to be like this forever... Even though I promise myself that I wouldn't love anymore.
my heart wants it and I don't know how to tell it 'no'.

I'm about to close my doors. I don't want anyone in besides me.
I wish they understood that I'm not okay, that I'm destroying everything.
It's not easy to be me, to endure all of this by myself. I love them but I wish they were close...
All I want is to not be alone. And to not be sad. I want to be loved and cherished and have happy moments... I want love. And love is what I don't have most of the times.

Skaene

I forgot how it felt to be invisible... I really forgot how painful it was to no one to notice you were there... I should really start getting used to this, I'll get this a lot from now on... I should get used to being no color, 'cause being there or not it's the same.... no one cares. I really forgot this feeling and it hurts. I'm hurt. I want to cry and I want to run from all of you... I just want to be happy and be loved, why can't I have that?

There's a war happening
right here, right now, inside of me
I'm fighting with all my strength
but it seems that I'm losing to my evil side.

Emotionless, this dark side arises
A smirk on my lips, evil eyes looking to everywhere
I do not care the thoughts of those who look at me
I just want everyone to suffer like I suffer.

Hate is my strongest feeling, that's all I feel. 
The little & innocent girl is gone, I killed her.
Now there's only me, this broken me and
all I want to see is pain and death.

I have a urge to laugh like crazy, to break you all
just like you did to me. This is all your fault, 
I want everyone to die. I want to see blood everywhere.
My stained self is coming out of my heart, through the pain that I feel.

I find funny how you never noticed the look in my eyes,
how I looked to you all, talking about your problems and not listening to mine
You don't know how that annoys me, you dont know how I want to have some attention as well.
you don't know how I feel, you don't know nothing about my pain.

All I wanted was some love, cause I never really felt it
I couldn't ask for it, I was ashamed to ask for it...
I'm a little disappointed that no one noticed what I really needed... 
No one looks to me the way I need. No one cares. No one wants to feel the weight of my pain.

No one know how much I want to die, how much I want to fall to the darkness
and succumb to the evilness of the world. I'm losing my suicidal self, turning it to psycho
All these feelings, no one knows them and no one wants to know them.
I won't show them, I won't. Break these walls of mine, try to find what I really fall. 
I DARE YOU. I FUCKING DARE YOU. GO AHEAD AND BREAK THEM. You can't.
You can't. You can't. You can't. 'Cause I won't let them break. And if they break, I'll die for sure.
'Cause I don't want to see the look in your faces when you discover all of these shameful thoughts...
all of these hateful feelings. I don't want you to see the worst of me. ALL I WANT IS SOME LOVE.
But it seems that I can't have it, cannot have it. not destined to be loved, not destined to feel sweet love,
I cannot feel the warm feeling of a lovers hug, of a true love kiss... but I want to feel it. I want to feel it.
I want to be loved, why can't I be loved? WHY? WHY? WHY? I want to know!!! WHAT DID I DO? 
What have I done wrong to not deserve love.... why... why.... why... just let me die already.

Skaene

Sorry if I'm fat and you don't like me. No, I'm not that sorry after all. I'm used to it, to people don't like me for the body that I have... It's sad, but it's how the society works... you don't like it, it's okay, i don't like it as well. And you know what? I tried to be skinnier, but it didn't work, I couldn't stay like that... I like food too much to make sacrifices to look skinny and thin... I used to like my body like it was, a little 'big', I felt kind of confortable with it. Now I really feel bad about it... If I'm not a size 36 or 38 (Europe sizes!), then I'm not good... If I wear a size 40 or 42, it's like the end of the world.... It really makes me sad that some people look at the body (which is not that big, by the way!!) and start to treat them differently... I really hate that... I don't hate that people judge my body (go ahead, say that i'm fat, i dont care.. i know i am fat!), but when someone starts talking differently with me.... I just hate it so much... It's almost as if my personality and the person that I am changed because I have not the perfect body.... aff... i wish i could be skinnier, yea, i do. But I don't have it, so, just fuck it and fuck you. Don't like it, say it and just go away and see if I care.

My mom hates me. She hates me because I'm not the typical girl that she wanted as a daughter. I'm different and she don't like and cannot accept it. She wanted me to be a skinny girl, with great grades, that wasn't every time on the computer, that didn't like anime and Japanese stuff. She wanted me to go out at night with other girls and drink until I fall and make out with guys. She hates that I'm not like what she wanted and she cannot accept me for who I am. And I suffer a lot because if that. I wish my mom would just accept who I am...

...So kill us (me) now.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I died... If I decided to put an end to my pitiful self, to end this pain that I feel. What would my family and friends feel and think? What would they do if they could knew what I was trying to do... What they would do to me if they knew what my thoughts are... Only a few know what really remains deep in my heart, deep in my soul, deep in me. And not many understand what everything means and what makes me feel like this. Actually, I know what would be the face of some of my 'friends' if suddenly I died... some would be really sad, and when I say sad, I really mean it, like.. sad sad, wanting to go back on time and stop me. Others would be just 'she didn't seem like the kind of person to do this kind of thing.' or 'what was going on with her? Why she didn't talk with us?'... This kind of people really annoys me... because they are really selfish and what really matters are themselves and f*ck the rest. Some people always think 'if they need, they will come talk with me'... well, it's not like that. It's not like that at all. I won't talk easily about my death wishes and about my dark self. I can't. I don't like to expose it to other people who probably wouldn't understand what I really feel and what I go through. Call me drama queen or tell me that I'm thinking too much about this, but I do suffer and I do have a dark self and I sure have death wishes. No one, and I repeat, NO ONE knows how many times, through my entire life, I thought: 'it's better if i'm dead' or 'maybe if I die, everyone will be happy' or even 'i just want peace and silence, so I'll kill myself'... No one knows this feeling. There's so few people that are my friends that really know what I've gone through and some probably talk about me in my back saying how I'm just being the victim or how I want attention. Well, it's not like that. not like that at all. Only I know my pain, only I know what it feels like to not be capable of crying anymore, what it feels to be alone with lots of people around, or how I get annoyed by some voices and how I just want them to disappear... Some people out there may feel something similiar to what I feel, but it's not the same... It is not the same, not now, not in the past and not in the future... my own feelings are mine. And sometimes I really feel that it was better if I wasn't here, 'cause I do feel like a burden. Like a parasite. Something unwanted in my own family. I do feel that. Most of the times, to tell the truth... When I'm alone, it's when my world just starts to fall and I fall with it, I just go. I don't try to stop... I just go with it, letting them take my soul to the darkness. I don't really care anymore, or so I tell myself that, I do try to believe that sometimes.. But other times... I just want to eat the entire box of pills or go running to the raged sea and just die. But I'm still here. I'm still fighting, somehow. I'm not entirely alone, not yet. and there's still some people who really cares about me and that I don't want to make them sad. I still want to find love and visit the world. I still have things to do, stories to read and movies to see. There's out there something that's still waiting for me, I want to believe that, even though it doesn't work a lot. Most of the times, while I'm being pulled down, I just think that it's not the time for me to go yet. I still have people to meet. Things to do. I still have to prove my parents that I'm not the useless child that they think that I'm. I have lots of things to do. And I really need to fight this feelings of mine, even though sometimes they are stronger. I need to get stronger. I need to became more that my dark self. I still need peace and silence, but not in the afterlife. I need it in this life, while my heart is still beating. There's so much to do. I need to stop myself. I need to sleep a little and reset my own feelings. I need to close my eyes, rest my head and mind, so that when I open them again, I will be ready for another hard fight with myself and my own feelings.

Skaene

Save me

Lately, Im with this urge to end my life,

Do something to stop the pain...

I've been like this for some years now

And even though I fight all these feelings,

They are still here.

This loneliness kills me slowly,

Consumes me, quietly and silently.

I wonder why I feel like this, 

I don't have any big issues or some real problems...

I just feel... empty.

There're little things that let me keep going...

I know what it is, but I'm always in denial,

Don't wanting to be true to myself and admit it.

What makes me get out of bed... I don't know anymore...

I can feel the despair in my heart, in my whole body.

Not even the cold hurt me now, I'm almost there

Almost in the end, I think to myself, still hoping for a salvation.

A little light in this big and dark cave that I'm in.

A hand and a smile to take me out of this hole.

I know I want to get out of here, I just don't know how.

So... help me. Save me. Hear my weeping and my screaming,

Reach to me with the lightness that I need. Help me,

Cause I'n in despair and I don't know how much long I can take.

All this pain is killing me, I'm going under, deeper... 

I just need someone to save me. Please.

By: Skaene

Rip my heart out, make it feel like dust
Scream out as loud as you can, silently
Try reach out your voice to those who can,
just to see how useless it was.

Force yourself to smile, to laugh, to feel
And even though it's hard, you'll do it and
you will keep it going until the end.
There's no way back anymore now.

Put the mask on, a smiley mask, a happy mask
make yourself stronger than anyone else around.
Let's break the world with these hateful, unwanted feelings
'Cause there's not any other options right now.

All I can do now is fight for my own self, for my own heart
Defend my weak and hurt heart, that's all I need to do
Rise up the walls again, make it strong and unbreakable
Hoping that someday, someone will make them fall...

By: Skaene

Pedras, pedragulhos e calhaus.

Não me chateies. Vai-te embora. Desaparece. Não te quero ver, nem ouvir, nem te aturar. Não estou com paciência para as vossas merdas. Tenho mais que fazer. Mais que aturar. Não aguento muito mais. Estou calada á demasiado tempo. Ainda estou á espera do dia que vou explodir e ai quem desaparece sou eu. Por uns dias. Apenas por um dia. Talvez umas horas. Talvez até menos. Mas vou afastar-me, nem que seja por dez minutos. Porque apesar de sentir-me assim, também gosto muito de vocês. E porque gosto de vocês é porque não explodo e não começo a atirar com facas, pedras, pedragulhos, calhaus, paus, ramos, arvores inteiras! Não o faço. Mas também preciso de desabafar.... E nem que seja a escrever, eu hei-de faze-lo. Porque eu não quero estragar o que a nossa amizade é.

Mas ainda estou magoada e espero que compreendam isso (ou pelo menos tentem compreender).

The Last Hour

In the quiet night,
my heart collapses. 
It's too much pain
it can't handle. 

In the darkest hour,
their laughs ecos are too loud.
I wonder if they can hear
the screams my heart makes.

I thought that the night was my friend
How wrong I was...
Now the night is my worse enemy
and I don't know how to deal with it.

Deep in my heart, I know
they are innocent. And I know,
I'm the corrupted one, the stained one.
My deeds are done, my thoughts are dirty.

I'm not proud, nor I am contented with it
this darkness in me is killing me, softly
A slow bane, a sweet poison, a painful virus.
My fake mask is cracking, it will eventually fall.

My soul is stained, dirty, like a piece of mud
I tried cleaning all these dirt of my body, but I can't...
It's deep in my being, I can't get rid of it.
There's nothing I can do now. 
All I can do is wait for the last hour.

By: Skaene

my body is cold

my soul is empty

it cannot feel, cannot heal

all these scars in me

there's a hole, a deep hole

a dark hole that no one ever saw

it's in my heart, it's in my soul

a deep black hole full of sorrow

only i know, these feelings of mine

only i feel this pain in my whole

do not try to understand

you do not know all of my world

you think you're the best

you are so mighty and high

maybe you should look down

i will hope that you fall

like i said, there's a hole, a deep one

only i know these feelings of mine

only i can understand all the sorrow

do not try to understand what you cant

*

there's someone out there

who is just like me, lonely and sad

hoping he's not alone

just like me. just like me.

and that person doesnt know

how i hope we can meet and

share all these sad and lonely feelings

all of our pain, sorrows and fears

thinking 'i'm not alone in this world'

By: Skaene

Muito gostam vocês de falar de mim nas minhas costas enquanto estou a ouvir. É bom julgar os outros não é? Deveriam olhar para o espelho e pensar em vocês e ignorar-me...

O porquê de criar um blog

Nem tudo são rosas e arco-iris e felicidade e unicórnios. Como eu não sou propriamente uma pessoa que não consegue estar (ou fingir?) estar feliz 24/7, preciso de algum sitio onde possa fugir e falar e dizer muita merda. Este é o sitio. É aqui que vou escrever o que penso sobre a minha vida, sobre o mundo e sobre coisas que muitas vezes não consigo falar com outras pessoas.

Odeio:

casais felizes. tsk.