Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I died... If I decided to put an end to my pitiful self, to end this pain that I feel. What would my family and friends feel and think? What would they do if they could knew what I was trying to do... What they would do to me if they knew what my thoughts are... Only a few know what really remains deep in my heart, deep in my soul, deep in me. And not many understand what everything means and what makes me feel like this. Actually, I know what would be the face of some of my 'friends' if suddenly I died... some would be really sad, and when I say sad, I really mean it, like.. sad sad, wanting to go back on time and stop me. Others would be just 'she didn't seem like the kind of person to do this kind of thing.' or 'what was going on with her? Why she didn't talk with us?'... This kind of people really annoys me... because they are really selfish and what really matters are themselves and f*ck the rest. Some people always think 'if they need, they will come talk with me'... well, it's not like that. It's not like that at all. I won't talk easily about my death wishes and about my dark self. I can't. I don't like to expose it to other people who probably wouldn't understand what I really feel and what I go through. Call me drama queen or tell me that I'm thinking too much about this, but I do suffer and I do have a dark self and I sure have death wishes. No one, and I repeat, NO ONE knows how many times, through my entire life, I thought: 'it's better if i'm dead' or 'maybe if I die, everyone will be happy' or even 'i just want peace and silence, so I'll kill myself'... No one knows this feeling. There's so few people that are my friends that really know what I've gone through and some probably talk about me in my back saying how I'm just being the victim or how I want attention. Well, it's not like that. not like that at all. Only I know my pain, only I know what it feels like to not be capable of crying anymore, what it feels to be alone with lots of people around, or how I get annoyed by some voices and how I just want them to disappear... Some people out there may feel something similiar to what I feel, but it's not the same... It is not the same, not now, not in the past and not in the future... my own feelings are mine. And sometimes I really feel that it was better if I wasn't here, 'cause I do feel like a burden. Like a parasite. Something unwanted in my own family. I do feel that. Most of the times, to tell the truth... When I'm alone, it's when my world just starts to fall and I fall with it, I just go. I don't try to stop... I just go with it, letting them take my soul to the darkness. I don't really care anymore, or so I tell myself that, I do try to believe that sometimes.. But other times... I just want to eat the entire box of pills or go running to the raged sea and just die. But I'm still here. I'm still fighting, somehow. I'm not entirely alone, not yet. and there's still some people who really cares about me and that I don't want to make them sad. I still want to find love and visit the world. I still have things to do, stories to read and movies to see. There's out there something that's still waiting for me, I want to believe that, even though it doesn't work a lot. Most of the times, while I'm being pulled down, I just think that it's not the time for me to go yet. I still have people to meet. Things to do. I still have to prove my parents that I'm not the useless child that they think that I'm. I have lots of things to do. And I really need to fight this feelings of mine, even though sometimes they are stronger. I need to get stronger. I need to became more that my dark self. I still need peace and silence, but not in the afterlife. I need it in this life, while my heart is still beating. There's so much to do. I need to stop myself. I need to sleep a little and reset my own feelings. I need to close my eyes, rest my head and mind, so that when I open them again, I will be ready for another hard fight with myself and my own feelings.

Skaene